Untitled (Dad)

It is me that cries a desperate cry for a man at night;
Attempting to peruse why I obtain this feeling that I cannot fight.
So, I deliberate with my independent mind, “Why do I want a man?”
And I speculate in my independent mind, “Why do I need a man?”
So, I ruminate to my independent mind, and I cogitate deep thoughts and I come to realize with these real eyes that this is because I longed for a man during my childhood; I did not have a father.
I grew into me from your seed but somehow you managed to uproot me.
See, I didn’t have a man to teach me about boys and how not to let them hurt me so,
I stand here longing for a man that would love me eternally. But he hurt me.
As I died inside, I watched him emotionally decimate the only woman I ever loved.
Standing bold, I told him if he didn’t want kids, he should have loved and hugged his glove.
When I turned 9, still naive to the fact that the man that was to raise me was still a child, I tried to make him want me.
I now know why I thought I was a mistake, I watched him hold back a slight grin as he told me he loved me.
He said he loved me?
I watched him treat my half-brothers as if they were royalty.
Tampering with my heart, he made me feel unwanted.
Dad, come back because I need you.
When I can’t love myself, who will?
Still, the little girl lives inside of me waiting to jump into her daddy’s arms and smell his distinct safe ensuring cologne.
So when monsters creep under her bed, she’s sure she’s not alone.
Dad, I need you, so come back.
I used to despise me because my face was you;
But your love for me was 16 years overdue.
My longing for your love gave me a drive for death.
This pain and emptiness once caused me to slit my wrist.
But, by the grace of God, I missed.
I couldn’t stop the pulsating life in my arm; bleeding and bleeding, but continuously beating.
I wish it would have worked when I had the nerve, and when I had the guts, but now I am stuck.
I yearned for a father that would take the time to love me when I was right;
I yearned for a father to love me when I was wrong.
I longed for a place in his heart where I was sure I could belong.
Soon, 11 years old with a dying mother, I got my first period.
I tried to tell dad that I was a woman now but his selfish ways prevented the care he should have for his only daughter and was captivated by his drive to take her heart and slaughter.
Nothing could appease or ease the pain of being unloved.
Would he care, please?
Hurting, I took care of my brother and tried not to let life knock me on my knees,
I wanted his attention so I... fought for another man; any other man’s attention.
I broke all the rules; I acted like an effin’ fool so he could get a clue.
Now 13, I thought he started to care, cause one day he knocked on my room door, I couldn’t believe he was there.
He dropped of $50 showing that indeed, he didn’t care.
He didn’t realize that I had bills to pay. He didn’t care that this body I was trying to understand was getting more complex.
I had a brother to raise; he started asking about sex.
He thought Daddy wasn’t here because he was with Mommy, but Mommy was dying.
Like the twin towers, my world came crashing down me;
It’s the worst dream every when your nightmare becomes a reality.
Life is my terrorist.
When you’re in 5th grade, you shouldn’t have to worry about this.
I started to fall apart and then, hoodwinked and bamboozled, I wake up in a hospital room.
Now here looking at the gleaming lights staring down at me, I realize with these “real seeing” eyes, that I am alive.
Although I wish I was dead, it’s not me.
I watch my mother lying in the death-inviting hospital bed; 6 doctors working on her,
Trying to restart the heart that once lived in her.
A tall man in a lab jacket walks in the waiting room and says she’s got cancer.
I cry more tears than a thirsty man longs for my water;
And watch my mom vanish.

Now, I’m 16 and I know that my longing for a father granted me growth in life.
And even though I miss her, I’m finally starting to get the picture.
Dad, I don’t need you anymore. The love that little girl desired, I now acquire from myself. Hopefully, these words have mended the heart of the little naive girl that lives inside of me.
I now realize with these matured real eyes that I always did have someone to hold me at night,
I always did have someone to help make my wrongs rights.
I realized that there was always someone who cared more about my life than I ever did and forever would.
I thought I needed my father, but she there the all along. I love my Mom.

-Courtney